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Late Night Free Writing 6/22/2012

For depression-related posts.



"Get a blog!" was once a common thing shouted on Halforums when someone would write a long, whiny, too-long-didn't read kind of post. Fortunately, I have a blog. A rarely used blog that I return to once in a blue moon, thinking that I'll use it more and use it more professionally to get my name out there as a writer. Every time, at the time, I think like Bullwinkle with his rabbit out of a hat trick: "This time for sure!" But of course, that motivation and good intentions go away after awhile. I wonder where the term "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" originated. I'd google it right now, but I'm trying to write and just keep writing. Funny how "Google" has now become a legitimate verb.

I think part of the reason I'm doing this free-writing so late at night tonight is because depression has set in again. It's been setting in a lot lately, both before and after my move back to Fredericton. One would think that I'd be in better spirits now that I'm able to see more friends and certainly have more places to go. Certainly more places to go biking around. And yet, inexplicably, I'm not. I find I'm still doing a lot of what I did in Presque Isle: nothing. I'm barely leaving the house (where would I go?), barely seeing friends (who is there to see that isn't busy?), barely finding things to do.

Any time I do something, even going biking, all I come back to is guilt that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing: homework for my Teaching Elementary Mathematics course. Except it's hard to find motivation to do the work for several reasons: 1) After being in and out of school for 14 years, I'm growing sick of school, reading chapters, doing assignments, etc. I know it's a means to an end, but I'm just so fucking sick of it. 2) Math has always, always, always been my weakest subject. Formulas or equations tend to go right over my head. It's why that copy of Physics of Superheroes on my shelf has still gone unread: every time I flip through it and come across a formula or equation, I'm immediately turned off or scared away. 3) Math, like Shakespeare, isn't something I feel I can learn on my own. I can't just read a chapter out of a book and "get it." Doing this course online has not helped me in the least. Hell, I've studied that social interaction - as a result of things like zone of proximity - increases academic performance. Given how much it seems I feed off of social interaction and how much just talking to somebody in person (not online) helps, it's no wonder that I'm struggling to do the work.

I think even just attending an actual class would help me. It would give me a reason to get out of the house and certainly give me a reason to see people, even if they're strangers or fellow students. I sat in on a couple of my favourite teacher's classes this week, but didn't go to all of them due to guilt. I'd already taken the course. And it wasn't my class. Yet, because I'm usually the most outspoken in a class as it is, I couldn't stop making comments or raising my hand in this class. I experienced something like that before - ironically in a John Muise class as well - where a former student of his started sitting in. The rest of the class had a silent protest about it, prompting John to ask the student not to come back. I didn't want to be that guy in thise case.

Still, I don't know. I'm lonely. I'm so fucking lonely. It would be silly and unrealistic for my friends in town to drop things to see me. I don't expect them to. My problem is, I think, is that I'm still stuck in some stupid High School-like mentality where I want to see my friends all the time and that's just not fucking happening. I rarely contact them to do anything for two reasons: 1) I assume they're already doing something with other people or already have plans. 2) Because of my depression, loneliness, and somewhat self-centeredness, I want to be invited rather than being the invitee so I can feel wanted or needed. What sucks is that none of my friends enjoy bicycling like I do. Again, I don't expect them to, but it's honestly no fun to go biking on the trails by myself. And of course, because I'm rarely getting out of the house, I'm not really in a position to meet anyone new. I've become so goddamn picky looking for the "right" woman that almost no one on the dating sites interest me...or I just assume they're out of my league because I've gotten fat over the last year.

Speaking of friends, I had a realization awhile ago: I don't have a best friend. I have a lot of good, great, and amazing friends but no one I could call my best friend. I say this because when I think of the term "best friend," I think of two guys (or two people) who consider each other their best friend. And I don't know anyone who considers me their best friend because I already know they have someone else in their life that they consider their best friend. It's thoughts like that that doesn't make it surprising why I'm so fucking depressed.

But at the same time, I just feel like I have nothing to do in town. Worse, I can't afford to do anything because my financials are so fucking flushed down the toilet right now that I feel guilty any time I buy anything, even groceries. I've been spending some time sitting outside of Read's (a downtown coffee shop), but even then, there's guilt just for buying something so I can sit outside. Yet, it's still better than sitting at home where the only social interaction I get is starring at a computer or being bothered by my cat. I want to join a yoga class but can't afford it. I want to buy at least some comics, but I can't afford it. The only thing that was worth living in Presque Isle for a year was the program itself. I had almost no social life. I hated the town. I hated living in the states because of all the extra hoops I had to jump through for things like student loans. Speaking of student loans, that's why I not only can't afford anything now (they barely gave me enough to eke by) and feel guilty about any kind of spending. Of course, because I feel so lonely, empty, and worthless, that just causes me to spend money on things like magazines or eating out, because I'm trying to fill some kind of void in me. That's something that a presenter in my Special Needs course talked about once: that destitute people - not just financially destitute - tend to spend money on things they don't need because they're just trying to fill some sort of a void. They told a story about an impoverished family that couldn't afford a new fridge. So the community got together and bought them a new fridge...which they then sold to go on a vacation to clear away all the stress. It's a similar thing with me, I guess. Maybe that's why I've always been into comic books: because I feel like I honestly have so very little else in my life. I've lived essentially a solitary life for a very long time that I don't know anything else. I don't know how to get myself included in things or to be more social. I don't think I ever knew how. I spent all my time at home indoors playing video games or something.

On top of all that, I'm still waiting to hear about my goddamn student teaching. I guess New Brunswick is going through a major consolidation of many school districts, so there are even established teachers that haven't even heard anything yet. But that's why I haven't even tried looking for a part-time job: because I'm afraid that - even if I get one - I'll have to tell them upfront about the potential student teaching in the fall or give them notice very shortly thereafter. Not to mention that it's June and most places will have likely already done their hiring. So I'm basically screwed and stuck.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Anonymous)
Mar. 30th, 2013 02:23 pm (UTC)
hey Nick, hope you're okay. We had our differences a while back, but I hope you're well.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )